Okay, Not Okay
by Forbidden Heartbeat
Summary: ONE SHOT. Hazel Grace is taking a nap with Augustus Waters in his hospital bed the afternoon before his last day. Because we all need time to say goodbye…Set right before Chapter 21. Literally One-Shot. Not Reviewed. Written 5 hours after the end of the book, barely 2 days since purchasing the book. My tears are still very fresh.
1. Okay

Extremely new at this whole FF thing! My first short one-shot! Please review and let me know if you like it!  
you can follow me on tumblr thegirlandherreads

A/N: All characters are John Green's. Only this quick snippet is mine. Enjoy!

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I could hear the busy nurses walking around the hallways. It was always those two sounds, the nurses and my oxygen tank rolling life in my lungs. It's funny don't you think? Nurses spend their lives trying to save lives. I wish I could be a nurse. I wish I could be a selfless human that would spend time trying to save others rather than myself. I wish one of their lives could save Augustus Waters' life. They might be able to buy him days, but only temporarily. But that's not how it works now is it? The world is not a wish-granting factory.

As I stroll down the hallways with my oxygen tank tight on my side, I start to feel nauseated. I'm feeling breathless – figuratively and literally. I can hear them, cry desperately as the doctor stands there, looking at his hands anxiously. I know what that means. It means he's got a deadline. Why is the word deadline so inappropriate right now? I wish there was another term like…limit. Yes, let's use this word. So, the doctor's given Augustus Water his limit. Our limit. I thought it would hurt you know? More than that. Because I've seen it already. So many times before him. But yet, I refuse to believe that we have a limit. We barely crossed the starting line and already we are limited by the universe's need to be noticed.

I sit down on the faded leather seats outside of his hospital room. Regaining some strength before seeing him. I try to think of anything else, of how The Prince of Dawn blind-version is so much better than the visually-apt one, how a bottle or two of champagne right now would make us feel better, feeling the stars once again like in Amsterdam. I can hear the sobs calming down and yet, mine's are still stuck in the bottom of my throat, ready to be let go at any moment notice. But I will not let go. Not yet. Augustus Waters wouldn't want any of it. So I wipe any invisible tears that might have escaped my tear ducts and look at myself quickly in a reflecting surface. I look fine. I look okay.

His parents are there, standing on the side of his bed, both holding the same hand. They seemed to have recovered enough because when I get in, a small smile graces their lips as they approach me to hug me tight. His father then takes his wife's hands and pats them gently. "Just Hazel, me and my wife are going to grab a bite for a minute. Letting you have a quick date with Gus. We will be back in 30 minutes is that alright? If there is anything we are in the cafeteria downstairs and nurses are always around. Alright?". I don't remember answering but they take it as an acceptance and I can see them walking past me towards the door. As they close it, I finally make myself visible to Augustus.

"Hey"

"Hazel Grace"

"Feeling sleepy?"

"A little bit, why don't you tuck yourself in with me?"

I'm a bit scared, I don't want to hurt him.

"Hazel Grace, I might be made of bones and skin and cancer but between you and I, we both know I am made of awesome"

I smile at him and he smiles back. The genuine Augustus Waters to Hazel Grace Only Smile. I kick of my Mary Jane's while he struggle with the blanket and makes me some space on his side. The bed is big enough for a large person but hey, sometimes being sick has its perks. Like fitting comfortably in a bed made only for a single adult. I slip under his cover near his arm, just enough to have my nose on his collarbone and his arm over my head. I'm scared to hurt him but when he doesn't wince and he looks at me with his blue eyes, I don't care at that moment. I hurt. He hurts. We both know we hurt. We both hurt but as long as we hurt for each other, that's fine.

"Hazel Grace, have someone told you that you looked ravishing today?" He said kissing my forehead lightly.

"Augustus, you seriously know how to charm a girl even in a squeaky hospital bed. You can add this to your accomplishments and share the news to the world to know."

"I won't share that memory except for another day with you."

Lungs, don't fail me now. Tear ducts, we've practiced this just now. Don't fail me. I sniffle lightly, I refuse to break down so I take the moment to keep his smell lingering on me. He grabbed my hand somewhere in that moment and is doodling random circles on my hands. Random lines with no beginning nor end that continues to infinity. Our infinity. I look back up and he is still staring at me with those magnificent eyes. Seriously, I'm happy I have a brain to mouth filter because If I didn't, his ego would probably be the size of Draco Malfoy already.

His breath is steady against my forehead; I can feel his hand ruffle gently in my hair. I wish we could just do that. Feel. Choose to focus on what to feel rather than be forced to feel it. Like right now, I'm ignoring the fact that my lungs are hurting and I'd rather feel his steady breath on me. But yet, we both know the lungs will soon overpower any other feelings I might have. I therefore start to focus on my lungs, for it to get as comfortable as possible and focus on the man co-hosting this bed with me.

"God, I feel depressed." I heard him say.

"Depression is a side effect of dying."

"Oh yeah? And how do you feel today Hazel Grace?"

"I feel content."

"And what is contentement."

I get on my elbows and kiss him gently. Once, twice, thrice…resting my forehead on his.

"Contentment is a side effect of loving you Augustus Waters."

Crooked smile. I can't help it. This might be the most inappropriate place to have a make-out session.

When we wake up few hours ago, the sun is still up but I know it's getting late. I can see that his parents let us sleep a bit more. They are sitting on the couch dozing off on each other. I wish it could be me and Augustus. I wish we could grow old and be fine. But the stars were definitively not on our side for that one.

As I get up and rub my eyes to chase sleep out, I feel a hand snaking its way around my waist, feebly pulling me down again.

"Stay…"

"I can't, it's getting late and you need to rest."

"Hazel Grace, it's not too late yet."

He probably makes double-entendres in his sleep.

"I'll see you tomorrow okay?"

"Okay."

After one last kiss he repeats. "Okay."

"Okay. I love you."

"Okay. I love you too."

"Okay"

I slowly walk my way to his parents, nudge them to alert them I'm leaving and as they re-enter the room, I allow myself a moment of relapse.

"Okay…Not okay."

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Honestly, I don't know if I'll be able to write another FF on TFIOS. It is really heartbreaking to do. Keep riding a rollercoaster that only goes up folks!


	2. ANNOUNCEMENT

Hello people of the internet!

I shall question your authority as to whether a multi-chapter fanfic would interest you. I am in the process of writing a plan for a different TFIOS fanfic and I want to make sure that my writing is stable enough in order to write one. If you know of any beta that would like to help me through my new project let me know about them as well! I would be interested to have someone to guide my thoughts through this process :)

Have a wonderful TFIOS trailer day! 3


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